last night i dreamed i was barhopping with sam, and his friend from cally was with us, as we all walked down the sidewalk. i held my head high and lofty, stealing little sidelong glances. he was still fine, but i was too proud to start a conversation. we walked along, at an impasse.
it was a strange mirror to my actual evening with sam. dreams are so peculiar, the way they pull up the feelings you hide from yourself. i tell myself i'm so complex, but the mirror my dreams hold up is sadly clichéd. fears and hopes are built from the same material for everyone, and fears and hopes are what drive us all.
sunday afternoons are the time for idle reflection. i'm feeling angry and frustrated with my brother because i can't reach into his life and make him happier the same way i tie his scarf or smooth his collar. that anger makes me bad company for him. last night he came into the bar soaked to the skin after walking there from home. he bought an umbrella on the way which the wind tore to shreds. he showed it to me, all pathetic with its broken struts.