here i am, on the verge of something i don't feel like i can post on a public forum. on the verge of changing something. i'm thinking about the things i can control and the things i can't. i'm thinking of the person that i want to be and the places i want to go. this morning i walked out into the muggy sunlight and i saw businesspeople taking their children off to daycare. will i ever be able to support children of my own? will i have to leave for work in a suit to make that happen? my lifestyle is possible when i am the only person i worry about, and that is me as a healthy twentysomething. i never thought much about the amount of money i would need to be comfortable growing up. i was too worried about not getting stuck in pennsylvania and/or some constricting formal environment. the reason i chose bard in the end was because i wanted something more unconventional, but i've also always wanted to be able to take care of myself. at the least, to be independent. that drive to independence has made me a less giving person, less willing to be vulnerable, and i haven't even been able to achieve true independence. i can't have everything, but that's no reason to settle for nothing. which parts of my foolish dreams are worth holding onto, and which do i need to let go? my parents sacrificed so much to stability. they became these small town jobs, they accepted so much mundanity, but they knew why. my brother and i were so lucky and so loved by them. we had everything we needed and quite a bit more. when does that choice become easy? was it easy for my parents? i see parents playing with toddlers on the subway and i think, yeah, that would be nice. it seems much more likely that i'll spend the rest of my life chasing after wisps of dreams that i don't fully understand. you pick a path and you follow it, or maybe you get lost following dancing lights. do i wait for certainty? will the arrow in my heart tell me which way to go?
since i started working after school i've told myself i have to fake it to survive. that was when i started going by my full name, to generate this air of confidence. and i don't believe that it fools anyone for a second, but i try to lie to myself that it does. if i can't convince myself that i'm capable of certain things, then i won't be able to make anyone else believe.