i assumed that the first few weeks after m and i broke up would be the most difficult, that i'd feel lonely and frustrated and i'd miss him and miss feeling loved and cherished. i figured it would create a crisis point and i'd go back to him or i'd suffer and complain and be miserable and wonder if it was worth it.
i went about my life as normal.
j and my folks helped me rearrange my room so i had more space. when i climb down from bed now the light streams in underneath so the whole space is joyfully illuminated. i kept discovering extra pockets of time to spend with my roommates or old friends. there was time to organize, and i got rid of old things and got new things and cooked. i get up earlier for the new job, make breakfast and pack lunch. i tell my friends i'm happy as a single person for the first time in my life. and on the subways i listen to music he gave me and i miss him during the bookends of my day and through all the tunnels connecting morning and night. it started out easy, but it's gotten hard.

when you're old and lonely
you will wish you'd married me
i could build a fire for you
and bring you cakes and tea.
when you're cold and hungry
i'll be waiting by the phone
you can call me up and tell me
how you're all alone
all alone..
when you're old and lonely
and the rush of life is past
days go by too slowly and
the years go by too fast.
when your golden loneliness is
heavier than stone
you can call me up and say
my god i'm all alone,
all alone...
- the magnetic fields